Finalist # 3

Monster Bash
Jason Mueller
Christy Lynn Foster

Drac was frantically running about very worried. His annual Halloween Monster Bash was turning out horribly! Many guests had not yet arrived in attempts at being fashionably late and the other guests were just sitting in awkward silence, lost in their own little worlds. Why wasn’t anyone talking or dancing? Was it bad music? Doesn’t everyone like Culture Club? Surely they can find common ground and mingle like they have each year Drac had thrown this little soiree, but now they were acting like they were at some social gathering for outcasts.
The place was a mess already! Cups and plates were everywhere and the remains of Frank’s wife, Elizabeth’s confetti and glitter concoction were littered all over everything. Evil woman! Being Franky's "Bride" for so long made her do stupid things. How dare she get Drac all covered in the tiny shards of sparkly things? Did she not know that vampires are virile and strong and should never be glittery? Really. I am not a sissy, for crying out loud!, he wanted to scream at her. Women!
And his carpet, his beautiful carpet! Blast that minion for dropping his favorite chafing dish full of Lil Smokies and BBQ sauce. Drac had asked that Renfield hire some help, but the least he could do would be to find some people with adequate knowledge of party service and proper balance. Was that asking too much? Seriously. He so loved the whole BBQ sauce thing since it reminded everyone of blood and who doesn’t like tiny finger-foods? It looked like a bowl full of appendages and, truly, theme is important at those types of things, but now his flooring looked like a blood and sparkle contest or some grotesque art sloshed across his antique rug. The carpet matched Drac's feelings about the evening so far.
Drac took pride in his castle and especially wanted to make a statement for this particular year. Special occasions aren’t typically celebrated among this sort of crowd, but Drac appreciated the longevity of his annual shindig and 50-years was a nice number. Half of a century of enjoying the same company could either be completely boring or thrilling, depending on the host and setting, so Drac always put his best foot forward.
“Do you really want to hurt me?” Drac grinned to himself realizing the lyrics were so apropos for this particular bunch of guests.
Every year he put out the finest cobwebs and spiders - if he could get Renfield to stop eating them. He also had the cemetery out back spruced up and imported exotic ravens so that at the end they could all enjoy a raven releasing party. Nothing but the best for his prestigious guests! Although, if those damned birds pluck out any eyes this year it would be the last year he ordered those Chinese crows!
The kicker this year so far was that Wolfy was already drunk on Mad Dog 20/20 and he was hiking his leg and piddling on everything in sight. To make matters even worse, he tried humping the Phantom’s leg. Oh how he had a French snit! No wonder they didn't like him there at that opera house in Paris and Christine had broken up with him! Really that guy is kind of high maintenance, so I dont blame her really, Drac chuckled half-hearted as he headed into the castle kitchen to check on those wretched new minions that Renfield had hired. It’s not that he had a problem with wretched, in fact he rather liked wretched, but when they started dropping his best chafing dishes and ruining his favorite day of the year, it just rubbed his fangs the wrong way.  
The kitchen was bustling and everything looked in order. Finally, something was going right! With a toothy smile, he started to make his way back to the living room, to continue his hosting duties.
Ding, ding, ding, DOOOOONNNNGGGG.  “Ahh, another guest!” he announced to everyone as he clapped his hands happily and glided to the massive door to greet his newest guests.
“Velcome vriends” his best Southern drawl fluttered toward the door as he opened it with a bow.
Drac snarled as he overheard Wolfy ask Swampy, “Why’s he talking like that?”
A frightened look was smeared across the face of a boy wearing a Transylvanian Pizza Palace uniform shirt. “Umm, that will be fifteen dollars sir.”
Drac glared at the slouchy form of the pint-sized irritation at his door. “I’m sorry, but I believe you have the wrong house, my dear boy," Drac seethed.
“I ordered it Drac, let the boy in.” Griffin, the Invisible Man, slurred in his ear.
Drac hated it when Griff snuck up on him, once when they were kids Griff had snuck up and stuck a clove of garlic down his shorts and had laughed himself silly as Drac frantically tried to pull the clove out of his underwear before he repulsed himself right into oblivion. Drac had given him a little bite in return but Griff ran home and told his mother and she called Drac’s mother who was so mad that she fed him an Irish man for supper.
“Fine,” Drac said as stalked away in a huff, trying not to sulk when he overheard Griff tell the young man, “Come on in and meet my friend, Wolfy!”
At this Drac’s fangs came out and it was everything he could do to not bite that delivery boy or tell Griff where to stick it, but being the gracious host as always, he kept it to himself. The more, the merrier, he supposed. Realizing that no one had bothered to shut the door he went back indignantly, but it was lost on the others. As he shut the door, he turned around and slipped on something wet on the floor. Really Swampy!? This is not the Black Lagoon! Must you drip all over the place? What if someone falls? What if they sue? My homeowner’s insurance is already astronomical! That would ruin his party in a big way.
Well, at least things are picking up a little bit now, Drac mused as he took a seat and surveyed the room silently. Griff and the pizza boy looked like they had some kind of herbs in a baggie. Drac absently hoped it wasn't wolfsbane or something illegal like that. Wolfy was slow dancing with Elizabeth now. No more Sade on the playlist, he decided. The Stein’s were an unlikely couple, most folks thought that Frank wasn’t all that into girls and she well, she was a bit on the loose side and it had nothing to do with her stitching, but even with their differences they still managed to keep up appearances.
Phantom and Swampy were now over by the fireplace playing quarters and it was hard to tell who was winning. Mummy was shambling toward them with a piece of toilet paper dragging along. Drac chuckled to himself as he perched on his new sectional that he was hoping at least someone would notice or mention. He suddenly regretted his choice of seats while trying to ignore the dampness soaking through his pants. He kept the look of alarm from his face and he quickly stood and discreetly examined the damage while hoping that Swampy had sat here before and it wasn't more of Wolfy’s marking. His maid service bill was going to be ridiculous this week.
He looked over at Wolfy and Elizabeth contemplating the issue their closeness was going to cause. He watched, stunned as she dirty danced with him and then broke out  doing the Wobble. This is not going to be good. Seriously can Wolfy be anymore of a dog? he cringed. If Frank saw this, there would be Hell to pay.
I wish the rest of the guest would get here. With a gleeful smirk, he thought about the swag bags he had to give out when the party was over. What an epic finale to the night!
The evening went on and everyone seemed to be having a good time and more guests had arrived and the party was in full swing. Wolfy and Elizabeth disappeared. Since Wolfy shed everywhere and Drac was a little allergic to animal dander, he had just anticipated and taken a Claritin before the party to ease his symptoms. Where have they disappeared to now?I hope they aren’t in my bed, he groused.
Dr. Death was chatting up one of the wretched minion chicks. The good doctor was always doing something droll and rather commonly so it didn’t really surprise Drac. The Wild Woman was flirty with Phantom. She was really laying it on thick and trying to get him to go home with her so she could find out what really awaited behind the mask. The dreadful delivery boy was in a twenty-minute lip lock with Paula Clayton Reed. Drac shuddered, Man, that is one Weird Woman!
Three hours later everything was winding down. Guests were beginning to head for the door where Drac stood proudly with a stack of swag bags ready to be passed out in thanks to everyone for coming and making it a lovely evening. Even though things weren't perfect, the party was still a huge success.
A few of the monsters had been a bit of an embarrassment. Wolfy was still not back with Elizabeth. Thank the heavens Griff is invisible, Drac thought, glancing over to where the man lay face down on his beautiful BBQ-stained carpet covered in glitter and sauce with his pants down around his ankles. Apparently Mummy had snuck up behind Griff and depantsed him. Griff then tripped over his own pants and fell to the floor where he promptly passed out, good ol Mummy!
Dr. Death walked out with a smile and nod. A swag bag in one hand and the minion in the other. Drac learned her name was Susan, That sounds familiar for some reason, Drac pondered momentarily.
Suddenly,  a commotion broke out as the rest of the guest snatched their swag bags out of Drac's hand and ran out the door.
“Noooooooo, you can’t do this to me, you can’t leave me for him! What will people think? I will be the laughing-stock of the country club,” Frank wailed with tears running down his cheeks, sending sparks as the drops hit his neck bolts.
“Frank, you know I’ve been miserable and falling to pieces for a long time, you don’t excite me anymore. Wolfy makes me want to howl at the moon, you don't do that for me anymore! I hate to drop this on you like this, but I’ve known for a long time that I wanted to have Wolfy’s litter. It’s over Frank. Goodbye.” With that the new couple grabbed their swag bags and was out the door without another word. Drac watched the two head for Wolfy’s VW MiniBus, he rolled his eyes as Wolfy marked every tree and bush on the way, it got really ugly when Elizabeth tried to mark a bush also. She‘s doing it wrong. Bless her heart.
Frank was a blubbering mess. Everyone was gone now leaving Drac to deal with the heartbroken sap. It was more likely that Frank was embarrassed that an upper-class guy like himself would be dumped by a has-been like Elizabeth.
Drac made Frank a cup of peppermint tea, knowing that the big man would end up with a headache, like he always did after a good cry. Peppermint tea always seemed to help calm Frank down. For such a big guy, Frank really was a fragile and genteel soul.
Drac sat down on another spot on the sectional and again found a wet spot. He touched the spot and sniffed his finger. Ugh, it wasn't Swampy, it was Wolfy!, he mused disgustedly. He sat, stirring his own cup of peppermint tea and stared off into space wondering to himself what next year might bring.


  1. My favorite of the four, by far! Clean, easy to read, with fun characters. Thanks for the entry!

  2. I don't know why it isn't showing up now, but I definitely voted for this one. I thought it was funny, campy, and a great change of pace from the gory stories.
    Bruce Hesselbach


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